I'm not sure when things shifted, or how, but I feel much more accepting these days of the idea that there are no bad foods. I've eaten things in the last few weeks that I avoided like the plague, or binged on in the past, and they are JUST FOOD. I put away my scale, deleted all the food and fitness tracking apps from my phone, left a bunch of FB groups, and just started meditating. I just wanted to share that I am so thankful right now, thankful for this progress. I am sure there will be bumps in the road ahead, but right now, it feels good.
I was a healthy, active kid. I grew up in the country, with a big vegetable garden, beef raised on my grandfather's ranch, fresh homemade breads, etc. When my parents split up when I was 10, my dad didn't cook, and weekends at his house meant either I did the cooking, or we ate junk. At my mom's, we still ate homemade (homegrown when possible) foods that always tasted amazing, so it was quite a dichotomy. Despite being relatively thin, I became obsessed with my weight around 13, when I started developing. And I became obsessed with books where the characters were anorexic (bulimia never appealed to me). In my freshman year of high school, I tried desperately to get through a whole school day on just a vanilla yogurt. I tried the Rice Diet, the Scarsdale Diet, counting calories (and really restricting them), and so forth and so on. By the time I was 19, I had already tried SO many diets! At 19, I became pregnant, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy that was adopted the day after his birth (private open adoption), and I developed PPD. I then went on birth control too, and between the hormones and PPD, gained weight. I continued gaining weight, dieting, binging, dieting, binging, gained weight... this just kept going. By the time I hit 30, I weighed one and a half times, or more, what I weighed in high school. Finally, in 2015, I
did lose weight, and have kept it off for the most part, but only by following a rigid "eating plan" and schedule, and exercising like crazy. I tried
Intuitive Eating a couple of times in there, but really worried about weight gain. After all, I still had that last 10-15 pounds to lose!
I'm not sure, like I said, how this shift happened, but I realized I need to celebrate the progress I have made in my HEALTH, not so much the scale, or how I look, but how I feel. And I felt both elated that I was healthier, and trapped in a rigid diet. So I decided screw it. Who cares about that last 10-15 pounds? Not my husband, not my teenagers, not my closest friends. I have a lot to celebrate! I've gone from huffing and puffing my way up a single flight of stairs to being able to run MILES. I have muscles that I can see, and that can lift/move heavy things. I sleep better, rarely get sick, and don't have achy joints. Yes, I'm in a size 10/12 rather than the 8 I pictured, but in the grand scheme of things, that's really good, especially compared to the 18/20 of two years ago.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I woke up, ate a breakfast I actually wanted (banana walnut oatmeal, in case you're curious), and haven't looked back since. I have friends who are training for a fitness competition, and so they are very diet focused -- timed meals that consist of protein and green veggies only -- and I realized that I don't want that for myself. I want to enjoy my food, try new things, eat some cheese, delight in fresh fruit. I also don't want my kids to only ever see me dieting. I want to share in family meals, and teach them to love themselves, and to respect their bodies, not to torture them.
So today, I added some sugar -- REAL sugar -- to my coffee for the first time in 10+ years, and it tasted so good! I ate the breakfast I wanted (cheesy grits topped with two fried eggs), enjoyed every bite, and that felt good too. There is still a voice in my head that is worried about the weight, possibly regaining all I fought to lose, etc. But I think that's a risk I am willing to take, because I feel deep down inside, that my body will get to where it is meant to be, and yes, the nagging little voice inside my head still hopes that's a little lower than where I am now -- can't change all my thought patterns right off the top.
And exercise? I am not sure I feel like torturing myself with 2+ hour long weight sessions any more. I want to keep running, and hiking, and biking, and walking, playing in the ocean, and all that. Some weights too, for sure, because I enjoy the results, but maybe less often, and definitely less intensely. I have no desire to be almost unable to walk for half of each week after "leg day".
I had this vision in my head of how I would eat and move AFTER I lost all the weight. I've decided not to "weight" any more. I can eat and move that way NOW. For example, there's a recipe in
The Working Class Foodies Cookbook for zucchini fritters, to be served topped with (ideally fresh) ricotta, that I've been dying to try, and avoiding because it didn't fit my food plan. Or a fabulous seeded rye bread from
The Nourished Kitchen. I imagine a couple of slices of that bread, warm, topped with butter, alongside a couple of eggs and some fresh fruit, and it sounds amazing! And as far as movement, I can see myself biking to work, or with my family. Trying yoga for real. Maybe getting back to TRX once a week (when I can afford it). Swimming more. Taking long, rambling walks out in nature. PLAYING instead of forcing myself through more reps, heavier weights...
There's still some extra flab around my midsection. I still have what my daughter affectionately refers to as "bingo wings" (though they are a lot smaller these days!). But, my body is still pretty awesome. It moves easily, has birthed amazing children, hugs people, can hold hands, do tough work, draw, type, and more.
My Current Reading List (in progress and to be read):
The Mindfulness Eating Solution (listening to this on Audible, and it's really good, though I am not overly fond of the title... something about it just rubs me the wrong way)
And I'm loving reading cookbooks these day. Mostly whole-foods based, because that's how *I* prefer to eat. Among them are the two I mentioned above, as well as
100 Days of Real Food,
The Healthy Hedonist, and
Local Flavors. I've decided to go through my cookbooks and get rid of any diet books, and any that don't support my actual eating journey.
I used to put what I considered to be "motivational" fitness memes at the end of each post, and have decided to continue that, but with a different focus...
